I hate money. I went through my bills today...these med people are ruthless when it comes to paying them off for life-altering experiences. Then there are school loans--which are actually better and kinder, even if you've just missed a payment, which I did. Then here I am, going for more debt by applying to grad school. I just completed and mailed my columbia application. Even if by the smallest chance I get in (and don't get in anywhere else) i don't know how I'd pay it off. Sigh...

New York Winter and New York Suicides

It's really winter in NY. Walking through Union Sq. station I beheld the hawkers selling those pouffy hats and sweaters sold here this time of year. They have American flags and teddy bears and the sizes are huge. I have no idea where they get them. I've never seen them in any shops.

As I was walking home the other night, I found myself dashing in front of six lanes of gunning motors while the hand was saying STOP! And I don't mean the blinking stop. The stopped stop. And it had said stop for more than a second. When I was on the other side, I couldn't believe what I had just done. I was in no hurry. I was simply heading home. It was dark. I could've fallen. I'm not the running type in general. And I have done this kind of thing before. Something in me says I must cross this street. I cannot just wait. It's a New Yorker disease, I think. An attempt to tempt fate.

A Hispanic Woman Interrupts an Encounter with Toni Morrisson

Tues. night I went to a Toni M. reading at B&N. Words cannot describe the way it affected me--I literally got tears. She read from her new novel, Love (which I bought of course) and was her regal self. She seemed a little tired, but she agreed to sign every Love book brought to her!

So. I wait in line for about 40 min. I even come up with a witty statement: "You're a tough woman; Salman Rushdie didn't do this."

He ddn't.

I finally approched the dias. In front of me is an elderly Senora. She has brought with her a Spanish edition of Beloved and two Loves. Technically Toni's only signing Love, but of course she signs Beloved as well.

Senora and I stand side by side as she signs Senora's. As I move towards the Queen, I take a deep breath for my comment and then--

Toni signs my book, closes it and pushes it towards me. Senora reaches for it. "Ah--uh, that is mine," I stutter.

"Oh, this is yours?" the Queen asks.

"Ah--yes."

The book's path is diverted. Senora says "Gracias" and I say "Thank you."

I leave in shame.

As well as pissed at Senora.